Comments from Cookerly’s own Football Commish, Andrew Agan…
Hello friends,
Greetings from Southwest Airlines flight 1587, where I’m joined at 38,000 feet by teams not named Tennessee and Arkansas whose dreams of a national title are still up in the air. With the plane’s wifi directing me to a full playlist of Willie Nelson’s greatest songs (go with “Always on My Mind” for the win) everything is gravy in the sky. That’s more than I can say for the Southeastern Conference.
SEC! SEC! SEC!
Remember those chants? Yeah, after last week’s lackluster performance, those chants are grounded for the foreseeable future. Before we talk about the colossal failure that was the SEC’s week two schedule, let’s discuss the new “Prayer at Jordan-Hare.”
Some of God’s greatest gifts, as Garth Brook’s mentioned in a song, are unanswered prayers. If you’re an Auburn fan, be thankful the Lord answered your prayer and allowed Auburn to win against a top 10 team—in division 1-AA. I’ll acknowledge Auburn beat Jacksonville State, a junior varsity team on every measure as ISIS (cough, President Obama). Let’s also give credit to Jeremy Johnson, Auburn’s quarterback who gave himself a “c” for his play so far this season. Hey, “c’s” get degrees—and a presidency (see: Bush, George W.)—but sub-par play from a quarterback can guide a college football team to the bottom cellar of the conference. Dare I say as low as Vanderbilt? No, I’m not that oblivious or inebriated on this flight.
Okay, okay; enough about Auburn and their mediocre play. Let’s move on to a team that defined the term: Georgia. If you’ve met a republican, you’ve also met a Georgia fan. They’re one in the same. Both celebrate the past far too much. Republicans gush over Ronald Reagan while, at the same time, nominating candidates who have less life than Reagan himself. High energy, guys! Georgia fans have similar thoughts, albeit memories of Hershel Walker and the 1980 national championship team. Even Hershel and their latest pride and joy, Nick Chubb, couldn’t help Georgia leave Vanderbilt in the dust last week. Watching head coach Mark Richt handle his quarterback situation is like watching an episode of the Bachelor. It’s Lambert; no it’s Ramsey this series. Whatever. Geez, give one of them a rose and be done with it.
Speaking of roses. If the scent from the Bret Bielema era in Arkansas did not wear off before Saturday, his disastrous whipping to Toledo a week ago would have Donald Trump telling him to exit the coaching profession stage left (channel your inner Rand Paul).
Okay, back to Tennessee. The Volunteers, a team we thought hit rock bottom for the past five years, showed us a new level of low against Oklahoma. Up by 14 points going into the fourth quarter, Tennessee “Barved” (think of the Braves and change letters) itself to a check mark in the L column. Hey, Vol fans, look on the bright side. Peyton Manning said he’d come back as the QB coach. Judging by his performance in preseason and his first NFL game, Peyton should really take Tennessee up on the offer. Yes, he’s not the same quarterback he was before, which is something Florida knows all too well.
The Gators have been short on great QB play and wins in general. The Swamp, once a harsh environment for opponents to play in, is now a drainage site that sucks the win total out of a historic football powerhouse. Until last week’s squeaky win against East Carolina, Florida’s winning percentage was sinking lower than Jeb Bush’s chances of becoming the republican nominee. Now Jeb, to his credit, has a better shot at winning over a fan base than Steve Spurrier.
Troubles for the Ole Ball Coach are higher than his high-rise visor, and like his traditional visor tantrum, South Carolina’s chances of a winning record can now be sent back to the chicken coup.
Some of you are in the same boat and could use a Carly Fiorina type performance to get back into the conversation. Or you could erase all picks and act like nothing happened. If only Hillary Clinton was our commissioner. A cheater can dream, right?
Good luck to all you football fans out there on your picks for this week! I believe the first game is Saturday at 12:30 pm.
Peace (love and happiness),
The Commish
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And this is one of the many special treats when working at Cookerly…witty, smart, talented people…Andrew’s football updates… fun Fridays that begin at four with $100 prizes for catching the pretzel in your mouth thrown from across the room…you know, just an average day at the office with a lot of hard work, as well. Really have to love it.
Awesome analysis, Andrew! Now if my Gamecocks can just rebound this season!